I've gotta be brutally honest here. It's after 3AM on Sunday morning, my mind is going 1,000 miles an hour, and I'm not the least bit ready to go to bed. If I go to bed, I'll just lay there and muse...over and over about my current reality. The more I dwell on it, the harder it is for me to deal with life in a positive way - so I've sort of adapted by trying to distract myself as much as possible from the issue at hand. It varies from day to day. Sometimes it's movies; sometimes it DVR'd stuff; sometimes it's the X-Box360...tonight it's "Prey" by Michael Crichton.
What did you say? You want to know what would be so compelling as to drive me to put down the final Crichton book that I haven't read, and instead come type? I'm so glad you asked... :)
It's about church tomorrow. I don't want to go. I know, I know. That sounds sacrilegious...perhaps it is. The Worship Pastor doesn't want to go to church to worship. But it's real. It's me. It's how I feel at 3:19AM; and good, bad, or ugly - that's me. I fully expect that church tomorrow will be great. It's not the content or the time that repels me...it's the attitude. Not the attitude of the church...of me.
You see, I'm not much in a mood to praise God right now. I'm just not. I feel like Jacob right now...wrestling...and wresting...and wrestling. Only I'm not near good enough to get the result that He got. Still, I battle on in my mind and in my heart. It's a war between what I know, and how I feel.
I KNOW that God has not abandoned me...but I don't feel it. I KNOW that God has planned a hope and a future for me...but I don't see it. I KNOW that He doesn't owe me an answer or a glimpse into my future...but I desperately want one. I KNOW that I am safe in His arms and in His plan...but I feel like I am taking my last gasp of air before drowning in the quagmire of this life.
Worship, however, is an act of the will. This is being reinforced to me over and over. You know - it's one of those things that you thought you knew, until God goes to great pains to teach and remind you again. When Job lost all he had, he worshipped. When David & Bathsheba's son died, scripture records that he washed and put on lotions. Then he worshipped God. I don't imagine that either of these men were in a mood to worship God...but they did.
So tomorrow, I doubt any of the stress and grief that I feel will be resolved. But when the alarm goes off in 5 hours, I will get up. I will bathe. I will eat something. I will go to church. And I will worship. Not necessarily because I feel like it, but because regardless of how I feel...He is still God...Jesus is still my Savior...and he deserves my devotion.
What did you say? You want to know what would be so compelling as to drive me to put down the final Crichton book that I haven't read, and instead come type? I'm so glad you asked... :)
It's about church tomorrow. I don't want to go. I know, I know. That sounds sacrilegious...perhaps it is. The Worship Pastor doesn't want to go to church to worship. But it's real. It's me. It's how I feel at 3:19AM; and good, bad, or ugly - that's me. I fully expect that church tomorrow will be great. It's not the content or the time that repels me...it's the attitude. Not the attitude of the church...of me.
You see, I'm not much in a mood to praise God right now. I'm just not. I feel like Jacob right now...wrestling...and wresting...and wrestling. Only I'm not near good enough to get the result that He got. Still, I battle on in my mind and in my heart. It's a war between what I know, and how I feel.
I KNOW that God has not abandoned me...but I don't feel it. I KNOW that God has planned a hope and a future for me...but I don't see it. I KNOW that He doesn't owe me an answer or a glimpse into my future...but I desperately want one. I KNOW that I am safe in His arms and in His plan...but I feel like I am taking my last gasp of air before drowning in the quagmire of this life.
Worship, however, is an act of the will. This is being reinforced to me over and over. You know - it's one of those things that you thought you knew, until God goes to great pains to teach and remind you again. When Job lost all he had, he worshipped. When David & Bathsheba's son died, scripture records that he washed and put on lotions. Then he worshipped God. I don't imagine that either of these men were in a mood to worship God...but they did.
So tomorrow, I doubt any of the stress and grief that I feel will be resolved. But when the alarm goes off in 5 hours, I will get up. I will bathe. I will eat something. I will go to church. And I will worship. Not necessarily because I feel like it, but because regardless of how I feel...He is still God...Jesus is still my Savior...and he deserves my devotion.
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