I've been finding myself in the shoes of Peter as of late. Not because I denied Christ...not because I boldly proclaimed the gospel to thousands of people...and not even because I seriously wanted to use my plastic knife to cut off the ear of the jerk in the Panda Express who wouldn't stop saying, "G-D- this, and G-D- that..." (and I'm not totally sure that God would've healed this dude's ear even if I did!) No, friends, it is much less noble than that...it is this: I feel like I've drawn on God's power to step out of the boat, but now that I'm out here I'm beginning to lose control and FREAK OUT. But first, a little back story...
For those of you who don't know, a few months ago I leapt out of my comfort zone. I left The Avenue Church, in which I had served for nearly 12 years, and moved to a brand new church in Sugar Land, TX called Grandview Fellowship. Nothing about the move made sense on paper except that it was close to my family (parents, siblings, etc.) - but the real driving factor was this: I knew God told me to go. Moving close to family was a definite plus, don't get me wrong; but we left because God said, "Go."
So I jumped out of the boat and ran across the water toward Him! It was so freeing! So exhilirating! Running into the unknown; into doing something I'd never done before (helping build a fledgeling church) felt exciting! I knew I was going to have to depend on God to make it happen, and that made me feel even closer to Him! (Can you see where this is going?)
Then the wind and waves roared...
"You're not gonna have the ridiculously awesome worship band that you have at The Avenue."
I was looking for musicians at The Avenue when God provided the ones that are there now; what He did then, He will do again."
"You're taking a pay-cut and moving into a more expensive area."
No problem! I thought...God's got this!
The housing market is depressed right now...how're you going to sell your house?"
I don't have to! God has to bring that buyer to us. He knows what we need, and He'll make it happen.
Fast-forward a few months to today. The school year is ending, and my wife and kids will be moving down in about a week and we still haven't sold the house:
...not even an offer
...and we've already reduced the price we're asking
...twice.
At this point in my life, I have a new respect for Peter. I've always wondered why he started sinking. I mean, he'd already walked on the water! Jesus said, "Come" and he did...he'd already taken steps where he should have sunk and didn't! So why, halfway through his journey toward Jesus, did he all of a sudden get scared and start to sink? Why am I, though cheerful and excited at the onset of the journey and having already watched God open tons of doors for this opportunity, beginning to get stressed more and more as the day approaches that we need to be gone from Waxahachie? Why am I fearful that we won't be able to sell our house, and if we do, we won't get the profit & equity we need out of it in order to move into the house we want to buy in Sugar Land?
The answer, I believe, is that I am what I once heard Craig Groeshel call a "Practicing Atheist." A Practicing Atheist, he suggested, is someone who believes in God, but lives his life as if He doesn't exist. You see, I know that God controls everything. I know that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. I know that he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and that money is not something the He worries about...He'll accomplish what He wants to do...period. I know all these things. But I KNOW what happens when the bank account hits zero. I KNOW how much I need to clear on selling the house in order to get into the size house I need (...ahem, "want"). I KNOW that living at my parent's house and commuting into Sugar Land every day is NOT a viable long-term option.
So what's the difference between what I know and what I KNOW? The answer is, "I don't know."
I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why my knowledge that God is all powerful and that He directs the steps of every home buyer on the planet doesn't subdue my knowledge of the current market status, seller's net sheets, and the like. On paper there's no comparison - God's power wins. But my physical response (loss of sleep, anxiety, worry, etc.) is that of the latter, not the former. Why?
As one who purports that "worship is a lifestyle," I'm embarassed to say that my lifestyle of fretting and worrying about this does not demonstrate the security in Christ that I claim to have. I know to the very core of my soul Who God is, and what He is capable of. I've seen His handiwork in my life and the lives of others over and over again. I know without a doubt that He and His power over creation are real...still I stumble, worry, and freak out over the whole process of selling and finding a house.
I think that's what happened to Peter. He saw God's power...he ran across the top of the water! But somehow, the physical, tangible elements around him caused him fear and he began to sink. Not because he didn't believe God could do it - he'd already experienced that! Still, somehow they got the best of him.
And that's where I find myself right now: sittin' with my good buddy Peter in the "I should know better club," singin' Kum Bah Yah, My Lord. Come by here and RESCUE ME 'cuz I am sinking fast! I'm in good company with the likes of Peter, for sure; but sinking nonetheless. I have periods of gleaming faith and steadfast determination (like tonight as I write this); but my subconscious is eaten up with it. It's always on the tip of my mind (I'm one quick, careless thought away from the death spiral), and my mind is exhausted from it each day. I am literally losing A LOT of sleep over it (3 and 4 AM have been no stranger to me as of late).
God's purpose in this will be revealed in due time, I know. And I pray that God will show me the answer, so that I can learn from it and learn to apply it in other stress-filled situations...and then, subsequently, to teach others to learn from my (and Peter's) miserable experiences and let your knowledge of Who God is be your reality... (And if you've already learned this lesson, please pass on your wisdom!)
For those of you who don't know, a few months ago I leapt out of my comfort zone. I left The Avenue Church, in which I had served for nearly 12 years, and moved to a brand new church in Sugar Land, TX called Grandview Fellowship. Nothing about the move made sense on paper except that it was close to my family (parents, siblings, etc.) - but the real driving factor was this: I knew God told me to go. Moving close to family was a definite plus, don't get me wrong; but we left because God said, "Go."
So I jumped out of the boat and ran across the water toward Him! It was so freeing! So exhilirating! Running into the unknown; into doing something I'd never done before (helping build a fledgeling church) felt exciting! I knew I was going to have to depend on God to make it happen, and that made me feel even closer to Him! (Can you see where this is going?)
Then the wind and waves roared...
"You're not gonna have the ridiculously awesome worship band that you have at The Avenue."
I was looking for musicians at The Avenue when God provided the ones that are there now; what He did then, He will do again."
"You're taking a pay-cut and moving into a more expensive area."
No problem! I thought...God's got this!
The housing market is depressed right now...how're you going to sell your house?"
I don't have to! God has to bring that buyer to us. He knows what we need, and He'll make it happen.
Fast-forward a few months to today. The school year is ending, and my wife and kids will be moving down in about a week and we still haven't sold the house:
...not even an offer
...and we've already reduced the price we're asking
...twice.
At this point in my life, I have a new respect for Peter. I've always wondered why he started sinking. I mean, he'd already walked on the water! Jesus said, "Come" and he did...he'd already taken steps where he should have sunk and didn't! So why, halfway through his journey toward Jesus, did he all of a sudden get scared and start to sink? Why am I, though cheerful and excited at the onset of the journey and having already watched God open tons of doors for this opportunity, beginning to get stressed more and more as the day approaches that we need to be gone from Waxahachie? Why am I fearful that we won't be able to sell our house, and if we do, we won't get the profit & equity we need out of it in order to move into the house we want to buy in Sugar Land?
The answer, I believe, is that I am what I once heard Craig Groeshel call a "Practicing Atheist." A Practicing Atheist, he suggested, is someone who believes in God, but lives his life as if He doesn't exist. You see, I know that God controls everything. I know that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. I know that he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and that money is not something the He worries about...He'll accomplish what He wants to do...period. I know all these things. But I KNOW what happens when the bank account hits zero. I KNOW how much I need to clear on selling the house in order to get into the size house I need (...ahem, "want"). I KNOW that living at my parent's house and commuting into Sugar Land every day is NOT a viable long-term option.
So what's the difference between what I know and what I KNOW? The answer is, "I don't know."
I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why my knowledge that God is all powerful and that He directs the steps of every home buyer on the planet doesn't subdue my knowledge of the current market status, seller's net sheets, and the like. On paper there's no comparison - God's power wins. But my physical response (loss of sleep, anxiety, worry, etc.) is that of the latter, not the former. Why?
As one who purports that "worship is a lifestyle," I'm embarassed to say that my lifestyle of fretting and worrying about this does not demonstrate the security in Christ that I claim to have. I know to the very core of my soul Who God is, and what He is capable of. I've seen His handiwork in my life and the lives of others over and over again. I know without a doubt that He and His power over creation are real...still I stumble, worry, and freak out over the whole process of selling and finding a house.
I think that's what happened to Peter. He saw God's power...he ran across the top of the water! But somehow, the physical, tangible elements around him caused him fear and he began to sink. Not because he didn't believe God could do it - he'd already experienced that! Still, somehow they got the best of him.
And that's where I find myself right now: sittin' with my good buddy Peter in the "I should know better club," singin' Kum Bah Yah, My Lord. Come by here and RESCUE ME 'cuz I am sinking fast! I'm in good company with the likes of Peter, for sure; but sinking nonetheless. I have periods of gleaming faith and steadfast determination (like tonight as I write this); but my subconscious is eaten up with it. It's always on the tip of my mind (I'm one quick, careless thought away from the death spiral), and my mind is exhausted from it each day. I am literally losing A LOT of sleep over it (3 and 4 AM have been no stranger to me as of late).
God's purpose in this will be revealed in due time, I know. And I pray that God will show me the answer, so that I can learn from it and learn to apply it in other stress-filled situations...and then, subsequently, to teach others to learn from my (and Peter's) miserable experiences and let your knowledge of Who God is be your reality... (And if you've already learned this lesson, please pass on your wisdom!)
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1 comment:
Wow! First off, good article. From a literary standpoint, congrats. Personally, thanks for being so open. I've had experience in this area. You know I have. And there are ways to get through this. Some are helpful and productive. Others, well, not so much. The key to get out of the water is to look up and grab Jesus's hand. The anxiety and fear and frustration is all real and a completely reasonable response. God knows this. He made you, right? So now you start looking into what He wants you to learn in the process. Your circumstances are real and they are as serious as you imagine them to be. And God is as good as you know Him to be. While that seems to be contradictory right now, it'll all come out in the wash. I'm praying for you friend! Much love, come to dinner this week, ok? Just let me know when.
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