After my mini-rant on the "Disease of Self" I posted earlier this week, I feel that I also need to post a corollary to that idea...something that's similar and complements it, but is not exactly the same. And one of which I cannot so easily absolve my own actions...
I've been struggling with this revelation for the past few days. During this time of pruning, God has brought some things in my life to my attention and I've had to deal with them, pray through them, etc. In all honesty, though, I've not been surprised by most of them. I need to "trust Him more," need to "commit to spend more time in prayer," etc. All good things. BUT, the past few days I've really been kicked in the face by something that I really thought I had a handle on. And that pruning topic, I hate to admit, is nothing more than good, old-fashioned pride.
I've known for quite some time that pride is a way that satan can get to me. I was quite prideful in my early days, and God really worked on me in college. By the time I graduated, I really felt that He had brought me down a level and I was fairly humble. Over the last 15 years or so, I have grown in knowledge and experience with Him, and (up until now) I thought that I had reached a place where pride was an ever-present stumbling block that satan could use, but which I could identify and avoid. I know that all good things that come from me are from God, and that left to my own devices I make the wrong decisions and do not choose to love people. With that knowledge, I've been living each day in a purposeful attempt to exhibit Jesus in my actions and deflect all praise to God. I thought it was a good system...apparently, I have something new to learn.
God has different ways of speaking to everyone. Unfortunately, mine is often through insomnia. My ridiculous mind gets worked up into a tizzy thinking about things and just goes, and goes and goes. I can't shut it off...really. Sleep only comes when I get so mentally exhausted that my brain can't think anymore (which usually happens around 3 or 4 AM). Then, I finally collapse into sleep. When I get in these periods, I tend to try to find ways to distract my mind so that I don't have to deal with whatever it is. Often I use movies, games, or Facebook as my drug of choice to alleviate the inner pain and struggle.
I've been struggling with this for several days, and I think I can now put a label of pride on it. I thought I had pride under control. I thought I understood what it was to trust God for everything and to give Him all the glory. At this moment, though, I feel like I'm at square 1. You see, I've had a few things in recent history happen to me that I deem to be unjust and unfair. I've trusted God to be my protector and my advocate during this time, but now there's a deeper level that has been open to me. Decisions beyond my control were made, and the result of those decisions has become a huge stressor for me...but probably not for why you're thinking it is.
Though I'm incensed at the unjustness of the decisions, I've found myself most concerned with what others think about me because of it. I have been mentally obsessed with what some people may (or may not) think about me (and specifically my competency and ability in some specific areas). I feel that the way things turned out makes it look like I'm a moron who doesn't know what he's doing, and it bothers me to no end that they might think that. And if they knew the whole story, they'd understand.
After much pain, angst, and sleeplessness, I've come to the conclusion that it is pride driving those thoughts. I can handle the unjustness of the bad decisions that were made and trust God in that...that's fine; but what I can't seem to handle is that some people might be thinking negative thoughts about me. Are you kidding? Really? I'm so concerned about what some people I don't really know do (or do not) think about me that I can't sleep? Ugh!
But that, my friends, is the ugly truth. The root cause of it is pride. I care about it because me being perceived in a positive light by others evidentially ranks MUCH higher on my scale of importance than I thought it did. And as much as I hate to admit it, I again have a pride problem that I need the Holy Spirit to cleanse me of.
What about you? I'm sure there are plenty of you who've got this figured out and don't focus quite so much on what others think. You live a Godly life and do what He tells you to do, regardless of the opinions of others. But, I'm equally certain that there of you who are like me, who have found themselves in the snare of the opinions of others. We cannot live the life God has created us to live, and we cannot we cannot give Him the honor and worship He deserves if we are so hung up on "public opinion."
Will you journey with me to purge this disease of pride? I'd love your comments, thoughts, and ideas...
I've been struggling with this revelation for the past few days. During this time of pruning, God has brought some things in my life to my attention and I've had to deal with them, pray through them, etc. In all honesty, though, I've not been surprised by most of them. I need to "trust Him more," need to "commit to spend more time in prayer," etc. All good things. BUT, the past few days I've really been kicked in the face by something that I really thought I had a handle on. And that pruning topic, I hate to admit, is nothing more than good, old-fashioned pride.
"A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor."
Proverbs 29:23 (NIV)
I've known for quite some time that pride is a way that satan can get to me. I was quite prideful in my early days, and God really worked on me in college. By the time I graduated, I really felt that He had brought me down a level and I was fairly humble. Over the last 15 years or so, I have grown in knowledge and experience with Him, and (up until now) I thought that I had reached a place where pride was an ever-present stumbling block that satan could use, but which I could identify and avoid. I know that all good things that come from me are from God, and that left to my own devices I make the wrong decisions and do not choose to love people. With that knowledge, I've been living each day in a purposeful attempt to exhibit Jesus in my actions and deflect all praise to God. I thought it was a good system...apparently, I have something new to learn.
God has different ways of speaking to everyone. Unfortunately, mine is often through insomnia. My ridiculous mind gets worked up into a tizzy thinking about things and just goes, and goes and goes. I can't shut it off...really. Sleep only comes when I get so mentally exhausted that my brain can't think anymore (which usually happens around 3 or 4 AM). Then, I finally collapse into sleep. When I get in these periods, I tend to try to find ways to distract my mind so that I don't have to deal with whatever it is. Often I use movies, games, or Facebook as my drug of choice to alleviate the inner pain and struggle.
I've been struggling with this for several days, and I think I can now put a label of pride on it. I thought I had pride under control. I thought I understood what it was to trust God for everything and to give Him all the glory. At this moment, though, I feel like I'm at square 1. You see, I've had a few things in recent history happen to me that I deem to be unjust and unfair. I've trusted God to be my protector and my advocate during this time, but now there's a deeper level that has been open to me. Decisions beyond my control were made, and the result of those decisions has become a huge stressor for me...but probably not for why you're thinking it is.
Though I'm incensed at the unjustness of the decisions, I've found myself most concerned with what others think about me because of it. I have been mentally obsessed with what some people may (or may not) think about me (and specifically my competency and ability in some specific areas). I feel that the way things turned out makes it look like I'm a moron who doesn't know what he's doing, and it bothers me to no end that they might think that. And if they knew the whole story, they'd understand.
After much pain, angst, and sleeplessness, I've come to the conclusion that it is pride driving those thoughts. I can handle the unjustness of the bad decisions that were made and trust God in that...that's fine; but what I can't seem to handle is that some people might be thinking negative thoughts about me. Are you kidding? Really? I'm so concerned about what some people I don't really know do (or do not) think about me that I can't sleep? Ugh!
But that, my friends, is the ugly truth. The root cause of it is pride. I care about it because me being perceived in a positive light by others evidentially ranks MUCH higher on my scale of importance than I thought it did. And as much as I hate to admit it, I again have a pride problem that I need the Holy Spirit to cleanse me of.
What about you? I'm sure there are plenty of you who've got this figured out and don't focus quite so much on what others think. You live a Godly life and do what He tells you to do, regardless of the opinions of others. But, I'm equally certain that there of you who are like me, who have found themselves in the snare of the opinions of others. We cannot live the life God has created us to live, and we cannot we cannot give Him the honor and worship He deserves if we are so hung up on "public opinion."
Will you journey with me to purge this disease of pride? I'd love your comments, thoughts, and ideas...
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2 comments:
Yikes! What hard, hard lessons you are learning. Praise God for them, but you have my sympathy for the process. It's apparent that God is continuing His plan with you, dear friend.
Rock on, and may you not care a whit what I, or anyone else, thinks of your abilities and talents.... even if we think you are pretty great, in a complex kind of way.
BTW, conrats on the traffic feed that is MOVING! :)
Is 35:4
In the midst of a oft-overlooked Messianic chapter is a verse you can use:
*** Say to them that are of a fearful heart, "Be strong, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompense; He will come and save you."
The rest, before and after, read much like Is 61 & every other discription of Jubilee, or the Day of the LORD. One discussion of this verse says that the LORD will defend your reputation. What others think of you is not your problem -- take care of your business & God will take care of others' attitudes and perceptions.
Even Christ, while on trial with a host of false and contradictory witnesses, never spoke a word to defend Himself. Aside from a verbal defense being counter-productive to His mission, it just wasn't His problem.
My position from '98 onward was dicey at home. I had to struggle with the judgmental and unforgiving opinions of those who couldn't come to terms with my decision to divorce, in spite of the child abuse - and that incl my granddad and pastor! I love a good argument, esp when I know I'm right, & it was truly hard for me to ignore the looks and comments and just take care of the kids.
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