In preparation for our TV appearances in Atlanta tomorrow & Thursday, I spent the morning reviewing marriage data. (Sifting through endless verbiage, charts, graphs, and tables isn't always a fun thing to do, but the information gleaned always makes it worth your while!) As I looked at what is going on in our world (statistically speaking), I became more and more grateful for my wife and our experiences together.
The short story on the stats I read is this:
While sad to me, these stats are pretty much what I expected to find. What I like to call the, Cancer of "Self Above Else" has been slowly infiltrating our society and has reached a saturation point. In my opinion, the rise in cohabitation is a result of that trend. There hasn't been enough research on the cohabitation trend to make very many valid scientific assertions, but I believe that some "Common Sense Research" can fairly accurately describe this trend. Whether it is societal or parental (or both), many young adults are feeling encouraged to "try it out" by living with someone before getting married. This living arrangement, with the exception of conceiving a child, frees you of legal obligations should you decide that it's not going to work for you. It's an easy "out" for when the going gets tough...and it will get tough.
In an interesting turn of events, I found myself in a store later today (attempting to buy a shirt for said TV appearances). Since I'm fashion illiterate, I was asking the sales guy and girl (yes, it required TWO of them to help me!) about the protocol for rolling sleeves. For instance, you can flip the cuffs on a long sleeve shirt once and still keep some degree of "formal," but how far up the arm can you roll the sleeves before it loses the "nice" and becomes "casual?" (I know, I know...the deepness of my thought process is staggering!) ANYWAY, he asked me what I needed the shirt for, so I told him that we were going to be on a TV show to talk about marriage and relationships. His young, twentyish face brightened up and said, "I want to get married someday...what advice do you have for me?"
Now, I have the propensity to be verbose and overcomplex. (See! I just did it! Dang! I just used "propensity" and "verbose" in the same sentence...I'm my own illustration!) I knew that I would only have his attention for a short time, so I quickly asked God to deliver wisdom! As best as I can remember, this is basically what I told him...
The best advice I can give you is this: Don't get married for you, get married for her. We date because we think they're cute and we like it; or we think that they have money, or because they make us feel good about ourselves, right? When you get married (or are considering getting married), all of that must change. The relationship ceases to be about meeting your needs - it's now about meeting hers. Now, that doesn't mean that you disappear in the relationship. In fact, she should now be about meeting your needs, not her own...so together, you get your needs met while you are meeting hers! Unfortunately, most people don't treat it that way. They are about all about getting their needs met; and the other person's needs are secondary. That's where most relationships break down. You get married to give yourself to that other person - whatever the cost. If that's not your attitude, then don't do it! Don't get married for you...get married for her."
Lord, may we all approach our spouse with Your attitude..."to serve, and not to be served."
The short story on the stats I read is this:
- Fewer people are choosing to get married than years past; cohabitation, however, is on the rise.
- With the exception of a slight fall in the divorce rate this past year (which the researchers attributed to the economic downfall), the divorce rate has been rising steadily to 40-50% since the mid-90's.
- The number of women between the ages of 20 and 34 who are having babies out of wedlock has drastically increased since 2002 (presumably due to the higher cohabitation and divorce rates).
While sad to me, these stats are pretty much what I expected to find. What I like to call the, Cancer of "Self Above Else" has been slowly infiltrating our society and has reached a saturation point. In my opinion, the rise in cohabitation is a result of that trend. There hasn't been enough research on the cohabitation trend to make very many valid scientific assertions, but I believe that some "Common Sense Research" can fairly accurately describe this trend. Whether it is societal or parental (or both), many young adults are feeling encouraged to "try it out" by living with someone before getting married. This living arrangement, with the exception of conceiving a child, frees you of legal obligations should you decide that it's not going to work for you. It's an easy "out" for when the going gets tough...and it will get tough.
In an interesting turn of events, I found myself in a store later today (attempting to buy a shirt for said TV appearances). Since I'm fashion illiterate, I was asking the sales guy and girl (yes, it required TWO of them to help me!) about the protocol for rolling sleeves. For instance, you can flip the cuffs on a long sleeve shirt once and still keep some degree of "formal," but how far up the arm can you roll the sleeves before it loses the "nice" and becomes "casual?" (I know, I know...the deepness of my thought process is staggering!) ANYWAY, he asked me what I needed the shirt for, so I told him that we were going to be on a TV show to talk about marriage and relationships. His young, twentyish face brightened up and said, "I want to get married someday...what advice do you have for me?"
Now, I have the propensity to be verbose and overcomplex. (See! I just did it! Dang! I just used "propensity" and "verbose" in the same sentence...I'm my own illustration!) I knew that I would only have his attention for a short time, so I quickly asked God to deliver wisdom! As best as I can remember, this is basically what I told him...
The best advice I can give you is this: Don't get married for you, get married for her. We date because we think they're cute and we like it; or we think that they have money, or because they make us feel good about ourselves, right? When you get married (or are considering getting married), all of that must change. The relationship ceases to be about meeting your needs - it's now about meeting hers. Now, that doesn't mean that you disappear in the relationship. In fact, she should now be about meeting your needs, not her own...so together, you get your needs met while you are meeting hers! Unfortunately, most people don't treat it that way. They are about all about getting their needs met; and the other person's needs are secondary. That's where most relationships break down. You get married to give yourself to that other person - whatever the cost. If that's not your attitude, then don't do it! Don't get married for you...get married for her."
Lord, may we all approach our spouse with Your attitude..."to serve, and not to be served."
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1 comment:
Love the honesty in your post. It is important for both parties to marry for not what they can get, but for what they can give. The reason I kept finding myself in destructive relationships and continually disappointed is because I went into the relationship seeking to get "something." However, a relationship is so much more fulfilling when you go into giving to the other with all your heart.
Good luck Thursday! Let us know how it goes!
Peri
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