This is time of spiritual growth for me. God has orchestrated my my life in such a way that I have clearly heard from Him that I am to be growing in my faith. I need to learn to hear His voice better; I need to deepen my faith in Him; I need to grow in my personal Bible study time; and I need to learn to depend on Him more, instead of trusting in me. All of the above I thought I had a pretty good handle on, but it seems that God does not agree with me. I'm sure on the flip side I'll realize it too...
Anyway, the past few days I've found myself in what I can only call a "Holy Conundrum." You see, I love God and I want to become more like Christ; and I know that growing spiritually requires the things I mentioned above. I also know, however, that God is using this time in my life to prepare me for the "next step." I believe that God has told me that I need to grow in the above areas so I'll be prepared for whatever my next assignment is. Here's the conundrum: every time I engage in an activity that I know is going to grow me spiritually, I feel frustrated because I also feel like I'm trying to force God's hand.
I desperately want what's next, so I'm trying to do what I know I need to do so that I'm ready to move on. At the same time, I need to grow in Christ because of Who He is, not because of what He can do for me. The two states not only coexist, but they have the same solution. But since both growing and Christ and preparing to move on require the same thing from me, it causes me to question if I'm really trying to grow to know God better, or if I'm just trying to do what I have to do to get out of this uncomfortable period.
I know that you cannot make God do anything. He is not a magic formula - if I do X and Y, then He'll do Z. That's not how He works! If I'm just trying to elicit a response from God, then I'm definitely NOT growing in Christ. But since I know that growing in Christ is necessary for my "next step," that's always in the back (and sometimes the front) of my mind when I'm praying, reading my Bible, meditating, etc. So how do I engage in any spiritual growth activity w/out the companion thought that I'm trying to "get" something from God? It's such a weird thought process for me to be caught in that loop, and as I struggle to make sense of it and find a solution the only thing I can relate it to is my wife.
Andrea LOVES massages. Her feet and shoulders are continually sore and achy, and she absolutely loves to have the stress, tension, and pain rubbed out of them. Personally, I don't amazingly enjoy giving the massages because I have to press and rub so hard that my fingers and hands hurt when I'm done. But, Andrea being happy, content, and feeling loved is important to me so I try to do it for her whenever I think about it. Through 15 years of conversation and experience, though, I have also learned that shoulder and foot massages are also a good way to get her "in the mood." In and of itself, that's a good thing; except that she knows that I know massages are a good way to start the path toward a romantic encounter. So, whenever I begin a massage, she often comments, "Well I know what you want!" And I get booted off the road to romance because the "feeling loved" part goes away and the perception of an ulterior motive. And it's true that I always am wanting to walk that road, I at the same time want to make her feel loved, happy, and not achy too. And therein lies my boggle.
What about you? Do you feel that way with God? Like you know that He wants something out of you; but in doing that very thing, it's also like you're also trying to get something from Him? It is a struggle to ensure that your motive to grow in Christ is dominant when your desire for the outcome is so strong? What do you think?
Anyway, the past few days I've found myself in what I can only call a "Holy Conundrum." You see, I love God and I want to become more like Christ; and I know that growing spiritually requires the things I mentioned above. I also know, however, that God is using this time in my life to prepare me for the "next step." I believe that God has told me that I need to grow in the above areas so I'll be prepared for whatever my next assignment is. Here's the conundrum: every time I engage in an activity that I know is going to grow me spiritually, I feel frustrated because I also feel like I'm trying to force God's hand.
I desperately want what's next, so I'm trying to do what I know I need to do so that I'm ready to move on. At the same time, I need to grow in Christ because of Who He is, not because of what He can do for me. The two states not only coexist, but they have the same solution. But since both growing and Christ and preparing to move on require the same thing from me, it causes me to question if I'm really trying to grow to know God better, or if I'm just trying to do what I have to do to get out of this uncomfortable period.
I know that you cannot make God do anything. He is not a magic formula - if I do X and Y, then He'll do Z. That's not how He works! If I'm just trying to elicit a response from God, then I'm definitely NOT growing in Christ. But since I know that growing in Christ is necessary for my "next step," that's always in the back (and sometimes the front) of my mind when I'm praying, reading my Bible, meditating, etc. So how do I engage in any spiritual growth activity w/out the companion thought that I'm trying to "get" something from God? It's such a weird thought process for me to be caught in that loop, and as I struggle to make sense of it and find a solution the only thing I can relate it to is my wife.
Andrea LOVES massages. Her feet and shoulders are continually sore and achy, and she absolutely loves to have the stress, tension, and pain rubbed out of them. Personally, I don't amazingly enjoy giving the massages because I have to press and rub so hard that my fingers and hands hurt when I'm done. But, Andrea being happy, content, and feeling loved is important to me so I try to do it for her whenever I think about it. Through 15 years of conversation and experience, though, I have also learned that shoulder and foot massages are also a good way to get her "in the mood." In and of itself, that's a good thing; except that she knows that I know massages are a good way to start the path toward a romantic encounter. So, whenever I begin a massage, she often comments, "Well I know what you want!" And I get booted off the road to romance because the "feeling loved" part goes away and the perception of an ulterior motive. And it's true that I always am wanting to walk that road, I at the same time want to make her feel loved, happy, and not achy too. And therein lies my boggle.
- As a Christian, I must exercise Spiritual Disciplines to grow in Christ.
- In order to move from my current situation, I must grow in Christ.
- In order to grow in Christ, though, I must want more of Him because of Who He is, not what He can do.
- My desire for both is strong; yet they are in opposition
What about you? Do you feel that way with God? Like you know that He wants something out of you; but in doing that very thing, it's also like you're also trying to get something from Him? It is a struggle to ensure that your motive to grow in Christ is dominant when your desire for the outcome is so strong? What do you think?
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2 comments:
In a more micro setting . . . I face this in my prayer time. I find myself balancing the praise/thanksgiving time against the intercession/petition time & worrying that I didn't praise or thank enough to have the right to ask as much or on behalf of as many. Since there's nothing I can do to earn the right to petition, and since I'm told to pray on behalf of others, it silly. I tell myself that. But the nagging thought still creeps in: "all you do is ask and ask and ask some more." Sometimes, I feel like an immature and ungrateful child, always asking for this or that and barely stopping to say, "Thanks, Dad," for what He's already done for me and continues to do.
I totally feel that way too! I tell God I'm thankful, and I know that we're supposed to bring our petitions to Him...but I often wonder if I have the "currency" to ask for certain things.
I know God doesn't operate that way - but my mind still thinks it!
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