Living a Lifestyle of Worship

I'm gonna go out on a HUGE limb right now and share something that is deeply personal, yet I believe needs to have broad exposure.  In all honesty, I'm still processing it myself and I hope that through writing this blog post I can come to understand it better...and in doing so, hopefully you will benefit from reading it as well.

For the last several weeks I have been having a recurring nightmare.  It doesn't come every night, but it is getting more and more frequent, and stronger and more vivid each time.  Last night the dream woke me up at 3:48 AM, in literal tears from the experience of my dream.  (I didn't know you could cry in your sleep, but my face was definitely wet with tears.)  In that "half-awake, half-asleep"state when you wake from an emotional dream, it is difficult to separate reality from the dream and the feelings you're feeling are real.  I remember one time I dreamed that my brother and his wife had gotten a divorce, and I was sad the entire morning - it wasn't until after lunch that I realized I'd dreamed it all and they were, in fact, still happily married.   (Is this just me, or do any of you know what I mean?)

Last night's dream not only made me cry, but caused me physical pain...literally, my heart hurt with the burden of the sadness and it was well into the morning (and a conversation with a good friend) before I was able to really start functioning well and get the sadness off of my mind.

*BEAR IN MIND THAT THIS WAS JUST A DREAM*
In this dream, there is a man who has moved into our house.  Andrea treats him like someone she really cares about.  She laughs at his jokes, is considerate of him, buys clothes for him, etc. and really treats him like one of the family...more specifically, she treats him like a husband.  (...I'm starting to feel that intense sadness again as I relive the dream to describe it to you...).  Now, she doesn't act with animosity toward me.  She still smiles at me and treats me kindly (because that's the type of person she is), but as the dream progresses, I start to see from the outside more and more that she's treating him like a husband, and more and more treating me like a casual friend.  I desperately try to garner her attention and her affection, but as the dream progresses I get more desperate as I feel her slipping away from me.  Again, she still treats me kindly, but not affectionately.  As the pain and desperation culminate, I usually wake up in sadness.

Last night, however, was different; last night the dream kept going...
It was night time, and I noticed in my bed that she was not there with me...I looked to the left and instead saw her snuggled up to this man.  There is a distinct way that Andrea snuggles with me - a certain spot that her head rests in my arms and a certain spot on my chest that her hand lays.  I DEARLY love our snuggle time - it is very special to me; and as I looked and saw her snuggled with him in the manner that she should be snuggling with me, I knew she wasn't mine anymore...and I was so taken with grief that it literally felt like my heart exploded in my chest.  That's the point where I woke up hurting, crying, and feeling like my bride no longer put me in first place.
*END DREAM*

Like I said, this same dream (with the exception of the last little part) has been haunting me for weeks now.  Up until today, I have attributed it to the fact that I'm currently living and working in a separate city from Andrea and I desperately miss her.  I've prayed several times that God would take that dream away, but today as I processed it and worked through the emotional hurt I felt I came to a staggering realization:  I think that dream may be somewhat of an allegory.

When we put other things ahead of Jesus in our lives, I wonder if He feels the pain like I felt as I dreamed about Andrea giving her affection to another man?  The love, consideration, snuggling, etc. that belonged to me, her husband, were instead given to another man and it hurt me.  Are we not the bride of Christ?  Jesus alone deserves our affection, our time, our priority, our consideration, and yes, the intimacy of our snuggles.  But when we place something else as a priority over Him, aren't we doing exactly what Andrea was doing to me in the dream?  Remember, she still treated me kindly in the dream...there was no animosity or bad feelings from her toward me...she just didn't treat me like I was her husband, and instead gave that affection to someone else.  And even the "dream" of that happening caused me physical and emotional pain.  How must it make Jesus feel when we do it to Him for real?

Again, I'll admit that I'm still processing this, but even so, I have to say that it is a valid question to ask.  How does Jesus feel when I prioritize anything over Him?  How does He feel when he sees me giving my affection to something else, instead of to Him?  Does He feel like I felt when Andrea was kind to me and talked to me, but kept her intimate moments for someone else?

I encourage you to take some time today and pray through this idea of affection.  As the Bride of Christ, where are you giving your affection?  Where do you spend most of your time?  How much do you talk with Him?  What role does He play in your life?  Do your actions tell Him that He is your "casual" friend instead of the one to whom you have pledged your life?  What can you do to remedy that?  How can you regain your daily relationship Jesus as a priority in your life?

Last weekend my family and I were given the gift of staying at a friend's beach house.  We drove out late Friday evening (it was my daughter's first time to ride the ferry between Galveston Island and Bolivar Peninsula - they had a ball!), found the house (it was BEAUTIFUL), went to sleep, and woke up the next day for breakfast on the porch which has a view of the ocean.  It was soooooooo peaceful and relaxing.


I think I've discovered why I love the ocean so much - it stimulates all 5 of the senses.  You can see it, hear it, smell it, touch it, and yes, even taste it.  I must admit that I don't really enjoy the taste of the salt water, and I really don't enjoy the sand anymore (I LOVED it when I was a kid, but now, not so much).  Still, going to the ocean is draw for me and I go whenever I can.  This past weekend, however, it was more than that.  It was a poignant reminder to me of Who God is.

Multiple times during the weekend I found myself sitting on the porch to have a snack, to read, or just to be still and listen to the ocean.  I think it was the ceaseless rumble of the crashing waves and the perpetual wind that grabbed my attention this time, and really spoke to me about the infinity and power of God.

I've never seen a placid beach.  Lakes and ponds can get as smooth as glass, but the wind and waves never stop at the beach.  As I listened and prayed that day, I sensed God in them...infinite...powerful...soothing.  On and on the waves come, without source or end, announcing their presence with the whitecapped breakers.  The constant wind, carrying seagulls and pelicans, whipping flags, blowing hair, and bending stalks of beach grass.  Whether I was sitting on the porch, walking along shore, or at the Donut shop buying donuts and boudin kolaches for breakfast (yes, boudin kolaches - and they were AWESOME), the sound of the waves and gentle push of the wind was there.

Just like God, though, the ocean is not always gentle and soothing.  Merely two years ago, Hurricane Ike had torn across this beach and literally wiped it clean.  Beach houses, roads, vehicles, etc. all succumbed to the fury of the wind and waves.  I saw the satellite pictures of where our friend's beach house used to be.  The thriving community had vanished - even the roads were covered by sand - and we lamented the loss of their house with them.  It is staggering to think that such power and force comes from wind and water, but if you've been in a tornado, hurricane, or tsunami you understand it.  (I've got 2 of the 3 under my belt...not anxious to complete the hat trick!)

Staring at the vastness of the ocean, feeling the wind, and hearing the waves, the majesty and power of God was in full display.  Scripture tells us that the heavens declare the glory of God (Psalm 19:1).  This past weekend, the ocean declared the glory of God.  Peace, comfort, power, wrath, infinity - it's all there.

Oh yeah, one last thing I learned.  Remember that Ike wiped the beach clean, but we were staying at our friend's house?  God makes all things new.  In the span of 2 years, the desolation of that beach was marked by a few lonely support posts and empty slabs.  Everywhere you looked, beautiful houses had been rebuilt, roads were cleared of sand, people were walking dogs, feeding seagulls, fishing, and cruising around on their souped-up golf carts.  New life had been given to the barren beach.  The Lord gives; and He takes away.  He shapes and reshapes the potter's clay as He purposes.

Wherever you find your life today, the power, love, comfort, peace, and yes, wrath, of our Infinite God is always there - just like the wind and waves.  No one is too big to be brought down; no one is too destroyed to build up.  Our solution?  Live and love each day like the hurricane can come tomorrow.  Old beach house, new beach house, or no beach house:  live by God's guidelines, and share Jesus' story as much as you can.

So my wife has latched onto Jillian Michaels' book, "Mastering Your Metabolism," and her war against high fructose corn syrup (and other fake-foods that are bad for you) and has totally changed our diet and how we eat.  In her defense, some of the new foods we eat actually taste good, and even for the ones that don't, we have seen a remarkably positive difference in my household's collective health.  But this post isn't about eating healthier food and taking better care of the Holy Spirit's temple...

Today she sent me a link to this article on MSNBC.com about how fructose has recently been linked to pancreatic cancer proliferation and expansion.  Now, the conclusion that even my 8 yr old can draw is this:  HFCS(high fructose corn syrup) consumption goes up; as do cases of Cancer.  This research draws a pretty clear link.  BUT (here comes my favorite part)...the researches are now searching to create a pill to stop cancer cells from using the fructose.  So we don't go to the source of the problem and encourage people to fix it by controlling their fructose intake.  No, instead we attempt to create a band-aid to treat the symptom of the problem.  The original problem itself will remain and, as history shows us, will eventually find a way to become tolerant of the treatment and/or a new health problem will develop from the treatment...which will then require treatment.  And the sad cycle goes on and on.

Rewind now to two days ago.  I was listening to the radio in my car, and a snippet of a Tony Evans message (Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, TX) came on.  He said that one of our biggest problems in our relationship with God is that we don't call sin what He calls sin.  For instance, we look at our overwhelming credit card debt and think, "I've just had a hard run of luck," or "I don't get paid what I'm worthy;" instead of saying, "I've been living outside of my means and not treating my money as God would have me treat it."  So we don't get right with God and repent from our sin, because we don't recognize our behavior as sin.  And then the sin-barrier between us and God not only remains, but grows stronger.

As I read that MSNBC article a little bit ago, this message jumped into my head, clear as a bell.  We don't call our sin, sin.  Without recognizing this behavior as sin, we don't stop feeing our bodies massive amounts of fructose that it was never designed to process.  Instead, we try to make a pill to treat it.  We don't correct the sin, and thus the behavior doesn't change.

I've watched NBC's "The Biggest Loser" enough to know that if you attack the source of the unhealthy behaviors, then the body responds.  I LOVE watching the Finale show and seeing what the contestants have done to their bodies and their lives, just from calling their overeating sin and instilling proper diet and exercise habits.  So that got me to thinking...

WHAT ELSE IN OUR LIVES DO WE NOT CALL SIN, THAT GOD CALLS SIN?

For instance, perhaps you (or I) don't memorize Scripture and hide God's Word in our heart; we believe the lie that "we just can't memorize things well."  Instead, we rely on software and smartphones to run a search for keywords that we think we might remember being part of a verse we think we heard once.  And we never really learn God's Word.

That's just an idea that's off the top of my head.  I'm sure there are far too many more.  And honestly, I'm scared to dig in and actually ask God that question.  I'm afraid of what I might find.  But I'm going to do it anyway.  To worship God and become more like Christ, I've got to do it.  We, as a body of Christ, have got to stop treating the symptoms and go straight for the root of the problem:  our sin.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

What in your life do you not call sin that God does?

Do you dare ask Him that question?

Do you dare not to ask?

Teachable Moments.  I'm not sure who first coined that phrase, but I think it's an amazing descriptor.  It is a moment in time when something happens that is a perfect illustration of a principle or concept that you're trying to teach to someone else.  And in that moment, you can focus the attention on that event and drive home the point of what you're teaching.  For instance, if a science teacher is teaching about electricity and circuits and the power goes out in the school, he has a perfect opportunity to use that moment to describe to the students that if a circuit is broken, electricity will not flow.  The situation, which students are experiencing, serves to illustrate and reinforce that concept and there is a high probability of comprehension and retention.

As a parent, I am always on the lookout for teachable moments with my children.  Teaching ideas and concepts to them is fine, but it especially drives it home with them when they see/experience it.  That's when I know they "get it."  For instance, when we started visiting our new church the other day, Audrey came back feeling very upset.  We questioned her, and it turned out that no one was very nice to her during her Sunday School class.  After taking a few moments to console her, Andrea reminded her how we always told her (at our old church) to be sure to go talk to everyone in her class who was new, and to try to include them with her group of friends during the class.  "Do you see how scary and uncomfortable it feels to be new?"  Andrea asked.  "Wouldn't you have liked it if someone would have included you and showed you the ropes?  Not necessarily inviting you to be their BFF, but just being kind and making sure you didn't feel alone.  Do you see now why we always told you to do that at our old church?"  You know those moments when the face wides as the light comes on in their eyes?  We could see through her countenance that she got it.

There was another instance just this past week in which the light of understanding came on; but it wasn't with Audrey...it was with Andrea and me.

If you know our journey, then you'll understand it when I tell you that we're not rolling in the dough right now.  In fact, God has not yet opened the door to our next position of ministry and financially, we're really beginning to get stretched.  Well, just this past week both Andrea and I were stressing about income.  We'd prayed, but just were really not amazingly sure how things are going to work out.  For my part, I've really been feeling forgotten by God.  Of course, I know it's not true; but I've really felt like those things on the bottom of my Weekly To-Do List.  You know what I mean; those things which are significant enough to make the list, but not priority enough to get done this week with the limited amount of time you have.  So you write them down again on next week's list...and the next...and the next...and so on.

To make a long story short, I've been feeling that way pretty strongly for a while - again, I know it's not true, but that's that angle satan has been taking to attack me recently (I assume because it's working so well).  One of my greatest fears is being insignificant, and this time of waiting feels like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight...and my nose keeps getting closer and closer to the water as I tire.

This past week, God took the opportunity to have a teachable moment with us.  Again, finances has been a major stressor of late and we've been praying diligently about it.  In the span of two days, God provided all the money we'll need to get by this month.

Not a permanent solution, mind you, but a significant acknowledgement of, "Yes Gary, I hear you.  Yes Gary, I love you.  Yes Gary, I know your finances and I can make money appear for you out of thin air. And yes Gary, you are important to Me."  As soon as I hung up the phone on the second day, I paused; those words sinking into my head.  And that's when I knew that God had just taken the opportunity to have a Teachable Moment with me.

God's Teachable Moments, I'm learning, are all around us if we'll take the time to stop and notice.  Times when He shows us that He's in control.  Times when He shows us that He protects us.  Times when He shows us that His plans for us are best.  Times when He shows us that more than anything, He loves us.

So just open your eyes, and be in the moment...and allow Him to teach you.

I've gotta be brutally honest here.  It's after 3AM on Sunday morning, my mind is going 1,000 miles an hour, and I'm not the least bit ready to go to bed.  If I go to bed, I'll just lay there and muse...over and over about my current reality.  The more I dwell on it, the harder it is for me to deal with life in a positive way - so I've sort of adapted by trying to distract myself as much as possible from the issue at hand.  It varies from day to day.  Sometimes it's movies; sometimes it DVR'd stuff; sometimes it's the X-Box360...tonight it's "Prey" by Michael Crichton.

What did you say?  You want to know what would be so compelling as to drive me to put down the final Crichton book that I haven't read, and instead come type?  I'm so glad you asked...  :)

It's about church tomorrow.  I don't want to go.  I know, I know.  That sounds sacrilegious...perhaps it is.  The Worship Pastor doesn't want to go to church to worship.  But it's real.  It's me.  It's how I feel at 3:19AM; and good, bad, or ugly - that's me.  I fully expect that church tomorrow will be great.  It's not the content or the time that repels me...it's the attitude.  Not the attitude of the church...of me.

You see, I'm not much in a mood to praise God right now.  I'm just not.  I feel like Jacob right now...wrestling...and wresting...and wrestling.  Only I'm not near good enough to get the result that He got.  Still, I battle on in my mind and in my heart.  It's a war between what I know, and how I feel.

I KNOW that God has not abandoned me...but I don't feel it.  I KNOW that God has planned a hope and a future for me...but I don't see it.  I KNOW that He doesn't owe me an answer or a glimpse into my future...but I desperately want one.  I KNOW that I am safe in His arms and in His plan...but I feel like I am taking my last gasp of air before drowning in the quagmire of this life.

Worship, however, is an act of the will.  This is being reinforced to me over and over.  You know - it's one of those things that you thought you knew, until God goes to great pains to teach and remind you again.  When Job lost all he had, he worshipped.  When David & Bathsheba's son died, scripture records that he washed and put on lotions.  Then he worshipped God.  I don't imagine that either of these men were in a mood to worship God...but they did.

So tomorrow, I doubt any of the stress and grief that I feel will be resolved.  But when the alarm goes off in 5 hours, I will get up.  I will bathe.  I will eat something.  I will go to church.  And I will worship.  Not necessarily because I feel like it, but because regardless of how I feel...He is still God...Jesus is still my Savior...and he deserves my devotion.