Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Disease of Self

Posted by Gary Chevalier | 1 comments

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Please let me apologize in advance, but I'm feeling a bit of a rant coming on.  I don't intend this to be "preachy," self-righteous, or offensive - but I'm overcome this morning with frustration and it's hard to focus on pretty much anything else until I get this off my chest...

I read the news, watch TV, etc. and my spirit is grieved at all the pain in the world.  There are SO MANY disheartening things going on globally right now.  But let's bring it down a notch and just look at our country...do you want to know the singular cause of what's wrong in our nation?  And to put a finer point on it, let's look at our own state and city...  Do you want to know what's wrong?  The answer is simple...

It's in me.  It's in you.  It's in all of us.

S E L F I S H N E S S.

Of all the sins, vices, and evils of the world, I hate this one most of all because it is pretty much the root of all evil.  I know.  You thought "Money (of the love of it) is the root of all evil" - but look at the core desire.  Is it the green bill that is evil?  No.  Is it wanting to acquire money that's evil?  Not necessarily - money can be used as a tool for good.  So what is it that's evil?  It's the WHY of wanting money - because we want to satiate our desire for self.

We are to be driven toward promoting our own desires, our own pleasure, our own interests - indeed, the "original sin" was about the promotion of self.  And not that it is inherently bad...it isn't.  Meeting desires, having fun, etc. isn't necessarily bad.  BUT, seeking it at the cost of all else IS. 

Why do we cut people off in traffic?
Because WE WANT that spot...to get there first.

Why do we sneak 12 or 13 items into the 10 items or less" line at the grocery store?
Because WE WANT to hurry through and not have to wait.

Why do businesses depress our economy to ship jobs out for cheap labor overseas?
Because WE WANT a fatter the bottom line.

Why are there necessary jobs that people refuse to do or look down on?
Because WE WANT to be perceived by others as a certain "status."

Why do men decide that they are no longer "in love" and cheat on or leave their wives?
Because WE WANT instant gratification and happiness w/ no cost to us.

I could go on and on, but do you see the pattern?  When it comes down to it, far too many of us make decisions based off of what we perceive will make us happy at any given time.  An old DC Talk song ("In the Light") calls it "the disease of self," and says that it's a "cancer fatal to my soul."

Think for a moment just about your relationships.  Think about how you interact with people...or more specifically, your spouse.  Are you a giver or a taker?  Do you make decisions (where you go to eat, what movie you see, etc.) based mostly off of what YOU want?  How often do you consider the other person?  (Think about the "why," though - if you always do for others because you want them to think well of you, then that's a whole different issue.)  How often do you go places you'd rather not, but you go because they do?  I STRONGLY BELIVE; no, I am WHOLLY CONVINCED that our world will change...businesses will change...families will change...marriages will change if we just take the focus off of ourselves.  Especially in marriage, if you will focus on meeting your spouse's needs (and they focus on meeting your needs), then everyone's needs get met but no one is trying to meet their own needs.  It's a perfect solution!

Two weekends ago, Andrea and I had the opportunity to go to a movie together.  Now, this is not something that we get to do very often...like, once every six months or so we'll see a movie together.  Andrea had REALLY been wanting so see "The Last Song" because she's such a fan of "Nick's" books.  (I can call him Nick now because we have a personal friend who is one of his personal friends...so according to LinkedIN, we're 2nd Degree friends now!)  I had absolutely NO desire to see that movie, but I agreed to go because I knew how much she wanted to see it.  As things w/ us tend to go, we were running late to the movie (this time, though, it wasn't Andrea's fault!) so I dropped her off by the box office to buy the tickets while I parked.  (I HATE missing the previews, and I will not watch a movie if I miss even the first 2 or 3 minutes of it.  Neurotic, I know...but that's what she has to deal with!)  When I walked up to meet her a few minutes later, she put the tickets in my hand.  As I looked down, I saw that she had bought tickets for the movie that I wanted to see.  She gave up seeing "The Last Song" for me to see the comedy that I thought would be funny...turns out, the movie wasn't good at all - but that's a different story.  Bottom line?  She put her needs aside and did something nice for me.  I felt SOOO loved when she did that.  At that moment, I'd have signed up to go to a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon and watched, "The Notebook," "Message in a Bottle,""A Walk to Remember," "Dear John," and "The Last Song" all in a row.  Torture?  YES!  But I'd do it to show love for her.  And what inspired it?  She showed love to me.

This is growing long, so I must conclude with a challenge for you.  Pray, and evaluate your life.  Ask God to root out any selfishness you have, and instead fill it with love for others.  Look for a way that you can show love to your spouse by putting him or her first.  Look for a way you can show love to your child, or your co-worker, or that idiot who drives below the speed limit in the HOV lane.

Less of me, God; more of You.

Don't Get Married for You, Get Married for Her

Posted by Gary Chevalier | 1 comments

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In preparation for our TV appearances in Atlanta tomorrow & Thursday, I spent the morning reviewing marriage data.  (Sifting through endless verbiage, charts, graphs, and tables isn't always a fun thing to do, but the information gleaned always makes it worth your while!)  As I looked at what is going on in our world (statistically speaking), I became more and more grateful for my wife and our experiences together.

The short story on the stats I read is this:

  • Fewer people are choosing to get married than years past; cohabitation, however, is on the rise.
  • With the exception of a slight fall in the divorce rate this past year (which the researchers attributed to the economic downfall), the divorce rate has been rising steadily to 40-50% since the mid-90's.
  • The number of women between the ages of 20 and 34 who are having babies out of wedlock has drastically increased since 2002 (presumably due to the higher cohabitation and divorce rates).


While sad to me, these stats are pretty much what I expected to find.  What I like to call the, Cancer of "Self Above Else" has been slowly infiltrating our society and has reached a saturation point.  In my opinion, the rise in cohabitation is a result of that trend.  There hasn't been enough research on the cohabitation trend to make very many valid scientific assertions, but I believe that some "Common Sense Research" can fairly accurately describe this trend.  Whether it is societal or parental (or both), many young adults are feeling encouraged to "try it out" by living with someone before getting married.  This living arrangement, with the exception of conceiving a child, frees you of legal obligations should you decide that it's not going to work for you.  It's an easy "out" for when the going gets tough...and it will get tough.

In an interesting turn of events, I found myself in a store later today (attempting to buy a shirt for said TV appearances).  Since I'm fashion illiterate, I was asking the sales guy and girl (yes, it required TWO of them to help me!) about the protocol for rolling sleeves.  For instance, you can flip the cuffs on a long sleeve shirt once and still keep some degree of "formal," but how far up the arm can you roll the sleeves before it loses the "nice" and becomes "casual?"  (I know, I know...the deepness of my thought process is staggering!)  ANYWAY, he asked me what I needed the shirt for, so I told him that we were going to be on a TV show to talk about marriage and relationships.  His young, twentyish face brightened up and said, "I want to get married someday...what advice do you have for me?"

Now, I have the propensity to be verbose and overcomplex.  (See!  I just did it!  Dang!  I just used "propensity" and "verbose" in the same sentence...I'm my own illustration!)  I knew that I would only have his attention for a short time, so I quickly asked God to deliver wisdom!  As best as I can remember, this is basically what I told him...

The best advice I can give you is this:  Don't get married for you, get married for her.  We date because we think they're cute and we like it; or we think that they have money, or because they make us feel good about ourselves, right?  When you get married (or are considering getting married), all of that must change.  The relationship ceases to be about meeting your needs - it's now about meeting hers.  Now, that doesn't mean that you disappear in the relationship.  In fact, she should now be about meeting your needs, not her own...so together, you get your needs met while you are meeting hers!  Unfortunately, most people don't treat it that way.  They are about all about getting their needs met; and the other person's needs are secondary.  That's where most relationships break down.  You get married to give yourself to that other person - whatever the cost.  If that's not your attitude, then don't do it!  Don't get married for you...get married for her."

Lord, may we all approach our spouse with Your attitude..."to serve, and not to be served."

Water Your Grass!

Posted by Gary Chevalier | 1 comments

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On Saturday I took my children to a "Miniature Horse Farm" (which happened to be located at a Monastery).  It was fun to walk around and see full grown horses that were about the same size as a great dane.  In more than one pasture, we witnessed the horses shoving their heads through (and under) the fences to try to reach the grass and weeds that were on the other side.  It was interesting, and at times somewhat comical, to watch their heads and necks contort, their snouts shove through and under wires and boards, and their lips and teeth stretch and grasp to get just a smidgeon of the blades of grass that were barely out of their reach.  My daughters could see that there was plenty of grass for them to eat on the horses' side of the fence, as well as a bunch of hay lying around as well.  "Why are they doing that Daddy?" they asked.  "Because," I said with a smirk, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence!"

I must admit that I was proud of myself for coming up with such a fun quip at the right moment, and chuckled at how clever I was. (Usually I'm much more like George Constanza and think 20 minutes later what I should've said.)  After a few moments of shameless self-affirmation, I explained to the girls how the old adage, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" had developed from just this very thing.  Then, I took advantage of a teachable moment and explained to them that we are often like the horses.  We have plenty of food (or whatever) at our feet, but instead we want what's out of bounds.  What's just out of our reach, or simply forbidden.  For some reason, people seem to think it's better than what they have.  (I should've thought to remind them that Adam and Eve ate from the Forbidden Tree, when all the rest of the Garden of Eden was available to them; but alas, my hiatus from the Constanza Syndrome was short-lived and I didn't think of that analogy until just now!)  I spent much of the rest of the afternoon thinking what a great parent I had just been, but I was simultaneously smacked in the face with what a lousy husband I had been just the previous day.

This past week had been a fairly difficult week for me, and I'd been pretty on edge with my wife,  Andrea.  I was more than a little frustrated with her for not being "understanding and sensitive" of my hurt from this predicament (spoken like a true Melancholy!); yet in all honesty, I wasn't being very understanding of her either!  In particular, I had griped at her the previous evening for dragging me into stores 3 days in a row.  (Please understand, I deplore shopping...5 minutes or 5 hours, I abhor going to stores.)  We didn't spend more than an hour or two shopping on any of the days, but I was hacked off that I was there.  For her, shopping is therapeutic (even if she buys very little - it actually bothers her to spend a lot of money...she just likes to look at all the pretty things that are out there).  We've argued that point many times, but I was feeling particularly uncared about by my spouse that night and generally doing the "Poor Pitiful Me Parade" in my head.  Well, no sooner had I explained the green grass thing to the girls, than something I heard long ago popped into my head.  ("Popped" is probably an understatement..."slammed into like a Hollywood stunt man" is a little more accurate.)  I'm not sure who originally said it, and I can't even remember who said it to me...but I do remember with crystal clarity the power of what was said...

"The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence...the grass is greener where you water it."

When it comes to relationships (especially the one with your spouse), you MUST put in the time and effort to keep it fresh and make it grow.  Just like watering your grass, the more you invest in your spouse, the better the relationship is!  Far too many people are like those horses - they abuse themselves to catch just a morsel of what they should not have, while plentiful nourishment is at their feet!  What they have, however, if often neglected and ignored.  If we, as spouses, will invest the time to water our relationship...oh, what love will grow and what joy will fill our stomachs!  We won't have to resort to reaching out of the fence line because we'll realize that what we already have is more than enough!

What about you?  Are you watering the grass in your marriage; or are you trampling on what's in your pasture and instead yearning and straining for what is purposefully out of reach?  If you're the latter, what can you do to direct your energy to water your relationship with your spouse?

****EPILOGUE
In case you were wondering how the story ends, I resolved that afternoon to water my grass.  After I picked Andrea up from her speaking engagement, we took her to one of her all-time favorite restaurants, "Casa Ole."  (Which I, by the way, really don't like.)  When we arrived home from Brenham, Andrea wanted to go out shopping for the final 2 hours before the mall closed.  This time, I offered to go to the mall with her and the girls.  Personally, I'd rather have stayed home and relaxed; BUT, I chose to invest time in her and go shopping instead...and I'm so glad that I did!  We had fun at the mall as a family, sharing multiple giggles and generally just bonding.  You know the look in your wife's eyes that happens in those moments when she's glad that she married you?  I got one of those...

The grass REALLY IS greener where you water it!


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