I'm gonna go out on a HUGE limb right now and share something that is deeply personal, yet I believe needs to have broad exposure. In all honesty, I'm still processing it myself and I hope that through writing this blog post I can come to understand it better...and in doing so, hopefully you will benefit from reading it as well.
For the last several weeks I have been having a recurring nightmare. It doesn't come every night, but it is getting more and more frequent, and stronger and more vivid each time. Last night the dream woke me up at 3:48 AM, in literal tears from the experience of my dream. (I didn't know you could cry in your sleep, but my face was definitely wet with tears.) In that "half-awake, half-asleep"state when you wake from an emotional dream, it is difficult to separate reality from the dream and the feelings you're feeling are real. I remember one time I dreamed that my brother and his wife had gotten a divorce, and I was sad the entire morning - it wasn't until after lunch that I realized I'd dreamed it all and they were, in fact, still happily married. (Is this just me, or do any of you know what I mean?)
Last night's dream not only made me cry, but caused me physical pain...literally, my heart hurt with the burden of the sadness and it was well into the morning (and a conversation with a good friend) before I was able to really start functioning well and get the sadness off of my mind.
*BEAR IN MIND THAT THIS WAS JUST A DREAM*
In this dream, there is a man who has moved into our house. Andrea treats him like someone she really cares about. She laughs at his jokes, is considerate of him, buys clothes for him, etc. and really treats him like one of the family...more specifically, she treats him like a husband. (...I'm starting to feel that intense sadness again as I relive the dream to describe it to you...). Now, she doesn't act with animosity toward me. She still smiles at me and treats me kindly (because that's the type of person she is), but as the dream progresses, I start to see from the outside more and more that she's treating him like a husband, and more and more treating me like a casual friend. I desperately try to garner her attention and her affection, but as the dream progresses I get more desperate as I feel her slipping away from me. Again, she still treats me kindly, but not affectionately. As the pain and desperation culminate, I usually wake up in sadness.
Last night, however, was different; last night the dream kept going...
It was night time, and I noticed in my bed that she was not there with me...I looked to the left and instead saw her snuggled up to this man. There is a distinct way that Andrea snuggles with me - a certain spot that her head rests in my arms and a certain spot on my chest that her hand lays. I DEARLY love our snuggle time - it is very special to me; and as I looked and saw her snuggled with him in the manner that she should be snuggling with me, I knew she wasn't mine anymore...and I was so taken with grief that it literally felt like my heart exploded in my chest. That's the point where I woke up hurting, crying, and feeling like my bride no longer put me in first place.
*END DREAM*
Like I said, this same dream (with the exception of the last little part) has been haunting me for weeks now. Up until today, I have attributed it to the fact that I'm currently living and working in a separate city from Andrea and I desperately miss her. I've prayed several times that God would take that dream away, but today as I processed it and worked through the emotional hurt I felt I came to a staggering realization: I think that dream may be somewhat of an allegory.
When we put other things ahead of Jesus in our lives, I wonder if He feels the pain like I felt as I dreamed about Andrea giving her affection to another man? The love, consideration, snuggling, etc. that belonged to me, her husband, were instead given to another man and it hurt me. Are we not the bride of Christ? Jesus alone deserves our affection, our time, our priority, our consideration, and yes, the intimacy of our snuggles. But when we place something else as a priority over Him, aren't we doing exactly what Andrea was doing to me in the dream? Remember, she still treated me kindly in the dream...there was no animosity or bad feelings from her toward me...she just didn't treat me like I was her husband, and instead gave that affection to someone else. And even the "dream" of that happening caused me physical and emotional pain. How must it make Jesus feel when we do it to Him for real?
Again, I'll admit that I'm still processing this, but even so, I have to say that it is a valid question to ask. How does Jesus feel when I prioritize anything over Him? How does He feel when he sees me giving my affection to something else, instead of to Him? Does He feel like I felt when Andrea was kind to me and talked to me, but kept her intimate moments for someone else?
I encourage you to take some time today and pray through this idea of affection. As the Bride of Christ, where are you giving your affection? Where do you spend most of your time? How much do you talk with Him? What role does He play in your life? Do your actions tell Him that He is your "casual" friend instead of the one to whom you have pledged your life? What can you do to remedy that? How can you regain your daily relationship Jesus as a priority in your life?
For the last several weeks I have been having a recurring nightmare. It doesn't come every night, but it is getting more and more frequent, and stronger and more vivid each time. Last night the dream woke me up at 3:48 AM, in literal tears from the experience of my dream. (I didn't know you could cry in your sleep, but my face was definitely wet with tears.) In that "half-awake, half-asleep"state when you wake from an emotional dream, it is difficult to separate reality from the dream and the feelings you're feeling are real. I remember one time I dreamed that my brother and his wife had gotten a divorce, and I was sad the entire morning - it wasn't until after lunch that I realized I'd dreamed it all and they were, in fact, still happily married. (Is this just me, or do any of you know what I mean?)
Last night's dream not only made me cry, but caused me physical pain...literally, my heart hurt with the burden of the sadness and it was well into the morning (and a conversation with a good friend) before I was able to really start functioning well and get the sadness off of my mind.
*BEAR IN MIND THAT THIS WAS JUST A DREAM*
In this dream, there is a man who has moved into our house. Andrea treats him like someone she really cares about. She laughs at his jokes, is considerate of him, buys clothes for him, etc. and really treats him like one of the family...more specifically, she treats him like a husband. (...I'm starting to feel that intense sadness again as I relive the dream to describe it to you...). Now, she doesn't act with animosity toward me. She still smiles at me and treats me kindly (because that's the type of person she is), but as the dream progresses, I start to see from the outside more and more that she's treating him like a husband, and more and more treating me like a casual friend. I desperately try to garner her attention and her affection, but as the dream progresses I get more desperate as I feel her slipping away from me. Again, she still treats me kindly, but not affectionately. As the pain and desperation culminate, I usually wake up in sadness.
Last night, however, was different; last night the dream kept going...
It was night time, and I noticed in my bed that she was not there with me...I looked to the left and instead saw her snuggled up to this man. There is a distinct way that Andrea snuggles with me - a certain spot that her head rests in my arms and a certain spot on my chest that her hand lays. I DEARLY love our snuggle time - it is very special to me; and as I looked and saw her snuggled with him in the manner that she should be snuggling with me, I knew she wasn't mine anymore...and I was so taken with grief that it literally felt like my heart exploded in my chest. That's the point where I woke up hurting, crying, and feeling like my bride no longer put me in first place.
*END DREAM*
Like I said, this same dream (with the exception of the last little part) has been haunting me for weeks now. Up until today, I have attributed it to the fact that I'm currently living and working in a separate city from Andrea and I desperately miss her. I've prayed several times that God would take that dream away, but today as I processed it and worked through the emotional hurt I felt I came to a staggering realization: I think that dream may be somewhat of an allegory.
When we put other things ahead of Jesus in our lives, I wonder if He feels the pain like I felt as I dreamed about Andrea giving her affection to another man? The love, consideration, snuggling, etc. that belonged to me, her husband, were instead given to another man and it hurt me. Are we not the bride of Christ? Jesus alone deserves our affection, our time, our priority, our consideration, and yes, the intimacy of our snuggles. But when we place something else as a priority over Him, aren't we doing exactly what Andrea was doing to me in the dream? Remember, she still treated me kindly in the dream...there was no animosity or bad feelings from her toward me...she just didn't treat me like I was her husband, and instead gave that affection to someone else. And even the "dream" of that happening caused me physical and emotional pain. How must it make Jesus feel when we do it to Him for real?
Again, I'll admit that I'm still processing this, but even so, I have to say that it is a valid question to ask. How does Jesus feel when I prioritize anything over Him? How does He feel when he sees me giving my affection to something else, instead of to Him? Does He feel like I felt when Andrea was kind to me and talked to me, but kept her intimate moments for someone else?
I encourage you to take some time today and pray through this idea of affection. As the Bride of Christ, where are you giving your affection? Where do you spend most of your time? How much do you talk with Him? What role does He play in your life? Do your actions tell Him that He is your "casual" friend instead of the one to whom you have pledged your life? What can you do to remedy that? How can you regain your daily relationship Jesus as a priority in your life?
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